I Thought the Monster Was Still Inside Me

For a long time, I wondered if the monster I once saw in myself was really gone—or if she was simply sleeping, waiting for someone to push me hard enough to wake her up.

When we start healing, we hope we're changing. We put in the work. We learn to love ourselves. We learn about boundaries, forgiveness, letting go, and protecting our peace.

But sometimes I think we still wonder:

Have I really changed?

Or have I simply not been tested yet?

Today, I got my answer.

When Healing Gets Tested

I found myself in a situation I had actually prepared myself for.

I knew there was a possibility it could happen, and I had already decided what I would do.

I would walk away.

I wasn't going to argue. I wasn't going to engage. I wasn't going to give my energy to something I had already decided to let go of.

But when the moment actually came, something happened that I wasn't expecting.

My body froze.

I wanted to walk away, but I couldn't move. I could feel the anger building inside me. My body started shaking. I tried not to respond, but after being pushed and provoked repeatedly, eventually I did.

For a moment, I was disappointed in myself.

You knew better.

You had a plan.

Why didn't you just walk away?

But then I realized something.

I had changed.

I Still Knew How to Hurt Someone. I Just Didn't Want To.

There was a time when anger could make my words cruel.

I knew how to find someone's insecurity. I knew how to use words that could tear someone down, destroy their confidence, or make them cry.

And standing there today, angry and shaking, I knew I was still capable of saying those things.

The words were there.

But I kept them to myself.

I didn't want to humiliate anyone.

I didn't want to destroy anyone.

I didn't need to win.

I spoke what I needed to say, but I didn't use everything I knew as a weapon.

And that's when something hit me:

I still knew how to hurt someone with my words. I just didn't want to anymore.

Maybe that was the change I had been waiting to see.

I Didn't Need to Give Away Any More of My Energy

Not every part of the situation went the way I wanted.

I engaged when I had planned to walk away.

I became angry.

I wasn't perfectly calm.

But healing isn't perfection.

Healing doesn't mean nothing ever triggers us again. It doesn't mean our bodies won't shake or that we will always respond exactly the way we practiced in our heads.

It means that somewhere between who we were and who we're becoming, we begin making different choices.

I realized I didn't need to prove myself.

I didn't need someone else to understand my side of the story.

I didn't need an apology.

And I certainly didn't need to destroy another person just because I was angry.

I wanted my peace more than I wanted the last word.

Then I Took It to the Gym

Later, I went to the gym carrying everything my body had been holding.

The anger.

The frustration.

The adrenaline.

The tension.

I pushed myself harder than I had before. I could feel my body working, and eventually I wanted to cry.

But those tears weren't because someone had defeated me.

They came because I could feel.

I wasn't numb anymore.

I was allowing myself to experience what I was feeling without putting that pain into another person.

And somewhere between the anger, the sweat, the exhaustion, and the tears, I understood something:

My energy belongs somewhere else now.

It belongs in taking care of myself.

It belongs in becoming stronger.

It belongs in my dreams, my purpose, my future, and the people I love.

It doesn't belong in situations I've already decided to leave behind.

Reflection

For a long time, I wondered if healing was really changing me, or if the old version of me was still somewhere inside, waiting for the right moment to come back.

Today, I got my answer.

When we put in the work—when we start healing, learning to love ourselves, setting boundaries, and protecting our peace—things begin to become easier.

Not because life suddenly becomes easy.

But because we become different.

The things that once had the power to destroy us begin losing their power.

We may still get angry.

We may still shake.

We may still cry.

We may even react sometimes when we wish we had walked away.

But we don't have to become who we used to be.

Sometimes we don't recognize our healing while it's happening.

Sometimes life puts us back into the kind of situation that once would have brought out the worst in us—and that's when we finally meet the person we've become.

Today, I met her.

And she wasn't perfect.

She was angry. She was shaking. She was emotional.

But she wasn't cruel.

She didn't need revenge.

She didn't need to destroy anyone.

She just wanted her peace.

For so long, I was afraid there was still a monster somewhere inside me.

Today I realized:

I'm not that person anymore.

Maybe the monster I was so afraid of was never really a monster at all.

Maybe she was a hurting version of me who hadn't learned how to carry her pain yet.

And now she has.

I'm healing.

And today, I finally got to see it for myself. ❤️